It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
