it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
