She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
