This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
