so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
