He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
