I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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