Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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