Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
