I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
