honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
