i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
