I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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