How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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