I just cut my nipple shaving
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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