I accidentally had phone sex last night
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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