I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
