I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
