I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
