I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
