i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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