So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
