Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
