wrigley field is MILF paradise
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
