FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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