when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
