Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
