My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
