Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
