im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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