On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
