but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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