when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
