No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
