At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
