I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
