Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
