Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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