I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
