yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
fuck your aforementioned shoe
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
