Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
