Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have fence marks all over my body
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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