i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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