bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
