if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
