I think im going to throw up on grandma
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
