he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
