Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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