Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
