the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
