Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize