He had one of those small greek statue penises
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
