I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
