When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
