a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize