Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
