He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
