life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
