He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
