An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
