I didn't shave. On purpose
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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