Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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