genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
