i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
