I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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